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pain

“Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”  ~World Health Organization, 1948

I think my tendency to overwork and overthink things coupled with denial is taking its physical and emotional toll on me.  I keep telling myself that it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t bother me, and just go on with my day when the truth is that I am bothered and it does matter.  I am so physically and mentally exhausted that I think I am actually starting to physically get sick.

I really wish there was a boulder sized rock I could hide under for the time being.

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The world is my oyster

“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.”

– St. Augustine

GUESS WHO’S GOING ON VACATION =).  You know how you make those lists of things you will do but find yourself never having the time to follow through.  This is especially true when you find yourself in the rut of daily adult life.  Since I was in college I always told myself that I would go to Europe, travel the world, etc.  College passed and I found myself working full time and too busy being an adult to realize my life was passing by. Between working, thinking about grad school, planning for grad school, I could never find the time to even consider traveling.  Then what do you know, my friend goes out of her way to San Diego to hang out with me and before you know it we are planning a trip to see Europe.  We both individually wanted to go but didn’t want to go to Europe alone so why not go together.

Well my bosses gave me the OK and I am finally going to Europe for 3-4 WEEKS in a couple months. Now I can finally get to the logistics =)

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disappointment

“There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere.”

Jane Austen “Mansfield Park”

Disappointment leads to no future expectations, welcome to the definition of my family.  I have come to not expect celebrations or anything from them because to be honest the last time I did I got highly disappointed again again, and again.  Disappointment was the definition of my childhood and is a major factor in my adult personality. Thank you family for being so damn dysfunctional. Thank you.

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major changes need to made

“Make your own recovery the first priority in your life”

Robin Norwood


After the plethora of pictures from my wonderful friend Christine’s wedding I have come to the realization that i have indeed let myself go.  I have gone and made myself fat, not chubby, not a little heavy, but full on fat, I am now the fat friend  and I am at the heaviest I have ever been in my life.  NO this is not the oh boo hoo me, just me being real with the most important person in my world: myself. I actually have  a healthy level of confidence but I am just as blunt with myself as I am others.   So the first order of business now that this wedding business is over with is to lose all that weight that 2.5 years of being in San Diego has caused me to gain.  I know the causes of the weight gain are that my level activity took a nosedive when I came back, I went from gym in the morning plus walking galore followed by  the occasional night kickboxing class to a whole lot of sitting.  Sitting at home, sitting at my job, sitting on the bus, just sitting oh and then sleeping, I can’t forget that sleeping even though I get so very little of it.    I actually eat pretty healthier than I did in the past so the route of this evil is all that damn sitting.  So given my brother sticks to his word ( a rarity I might add) I am going to begin running with my brother on monday.  Also I am going to make a gym membership at 24 hours and shell out the extra cash for that damn personal trainer (just so I learn not to hurt myself on those darn machines).  This will be step one of Cheryl’s need for major changes.

Changes need to be made in my life:

1) Begin new diet and workout plan

2)Get that damn liscense so I can complete #3

3) Get myself an apartment

4) Find a new job that actually has me doing experiments because that way I am not bored and I am not freaking sitting..

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i am just that kind of person

I am the kind of person that can cut ties and never look back, the sad thing is that I am dead serious.  If I sound like a bitch, the fact is I am. I am not unnecessarily mean but if you are looking for someone to sugarcoat things don’t come to me, because I will give it to you straight.  I am blunt, honest, and there are many things I do not like in the world.  If you are looking for someone to put on a happy face, that is not me.

I agree with Arizona’s bill and I agree that english should be the national language. While I am open to others opinions and respect them as such, they will not change mines just like I do not expect to change theirs.

I am just that kind of person.

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NYC tidbits

“The city of right angles and tough, damaged people.”-Pete Hamill
I think next time I will just book a hotel..
Tips to being a good friend.
1)Being the third wheel repeatedly is never comfortable, NEVER.
2) Inviting your friends to come along and then leaving them hanging in a city they are unfamiliar with at 3am. Not cool…not cool at all.

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2010 a time for changes

“The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want” – Ben Stein

Went to my first graduate school interview in New York City this past week and it was definitely an experience. I will not know the results till February 3rd so I will try to keep busy so that time can go by quickly.  If I get in that would be good since I liked the program and NYC is an awesome place but if I don’t, I will still appreciate going through the experience and just take it as a sign that it wasn’t a good fit.  However I will be honest if I do not get accepted anywhere I do not think I will continue on this course, at least for the time being.

A mistake I have made in life is that I have never stopped and looked at my life. In high school I strived for college acceptance and getting as far as I could from San Diego and kept myself busier than any high schooler should ever be.  In college I strived to go to medical school prior to my introduction to research and graduate school ever since. Once I decided I wanted to go to graduate school, every decision I had made thus far was to reach that goal. Rather than travel or take a break upon college graduation I got a full-time job at an academic lab that while the pay isn’t great I thought would provide me the training to go to grad school rather than following the more lucrative industry route. The last time I remember having a break was the summer of 2003 or 2004 , thats 5.5- 6 years of working non-stop and not really taking a break and its taking its toll on me physically and emotionally.  Everything I have done the past two years has been centered around going to graduate school, GREs, grad school applications, staying late to finish experiments, working full time with little vacation, so if I don’t get in or get additional interviews, I am not sure if I can continue on this route without a serious look at what I havent been doing and what needs to be done. In order for me to do this I will need to step away from what I am doing now and take a critical look at my life.

So good or bad as of May/June of this year I see major changes in my life. Graduate school is the reason I have stayed at my job when to be honest I am not happy and haven’t been happy for quite some time, so when that reason is taken away, I feel as though my liking of my boss may not be enough to keep me there because to be honest I am quite disappointed in the little progress I have made over such a long period of time. I may have to seriously think about finding a lab that will help me reach my goals and give me full projects that lead to publications because its been two years already and I have worked so ridiculously hard with little to show for it. I didn’t have a 4.0 but I did make up for my earlier mistakes in college but yet those early mistakes to kick me in the ass whenever there is a window of opportunity. I like science but I am also 25 years of age and I can’t continue chasing a dream that may never come true without seriously pondering where I am and my next step.  If I get into graduate school I will use this summer to take a break to travel and prepare for moving. If I don’t get in I will probably still take a break and then apply for the Peace Corps or look into other possible careers and the steps I need to do.  Starting over from scratch would be hard but sometimes you have to accept life for what it is and pick yourself back up

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